LPPTV Episode 8 - What Does Rejection Really Mean? - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

LPPTV Episode 8 – What Does Rejection Really Mean?

LPPTV Episode 8 - What Does Rejection Really Mean? - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and PassionThis week has been pretty interesting.  I was interviewed for a documentary called “Love in Your Pocket”, which is all about how technology is affecting our experience of dating.

I was asked a lot of questions and some really interesting topics came up, one of which seemed too important not to share via LPPTV.

I’ve spoken about rejection before here on LPPTV, but it’s such a hot topic in the world of dating I’m not surprised it’s come up again so soon.

I regularly speak to both men and women around the world, people who are single and in relationships, and the fear of rejection is an issue that comes up time and time again.

So in today’s episode, I answer the question “What does rejection really mean?”

Tweet the Love… The Number 1 Rule in Relationships, Choose Someone Who Chooses You @LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

What has your experience of this been? Have you taken ‘rejection’ to heart and made it mean something about you, like I did? Has this alternative way of viewing ‘rejection’ shown you a different perspective on a past situation? Have you focused on your own sense of self-worth, and has it affected how you feel about someone walking away from you? What has improving your self-esteem done for you in relationships? Has this video brought up a question for you?

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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Holding Hands Conscious Coupling Conscious Uncoupling

Forget Conscious Uncoupling, How About We Try Conscious Coupling?

Holding Hands Conscious Coupling Conscious UncouplingWe’ve all heard about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s decision to go their own separate ways by ‘conscious uncoupling’ and the media backlash that it sparked.  I’ve read many articles dripping with disdain for the use of a term that is widely misunderstood.

Well unlike many people, the term was not new to me.  Having studied relationships with some of the top experts around the world, it’s a phrase that is very much a part of my vocabulary.

The question that many people have been asking is “What on earth is conscious uncoupling?”

If you look at the definitions of the word conscious, you begin to get some clues:  ‘Aware of and responding to one’s surroundings’, ‘deliberate and intentional’.

So often in relationships we end up as slaves to our emotions.  When someone hurts us, we don’t think, we just react.  Someone stands on our toes by mistake and we stomp on theirs because it hurts.  We don’t consider what’s happening or why, we behave like animals reacting to our base level instincts.

It’s part of the reason that a split after a long-term relationship can be such a gut-wrenching experience.  We feel hurt, we feel wronged, and our first instinct is to lash out at the person who we see as the source of the pain.

Our reaction hurts them, and they lash out in return.

…and so the chain reaction builds and grows leading to the inevitable conclusion of mutual annihilation.  Maybe not physically, but certainly emotionally.

We end up standing in the wreckage of our former relationship looking around us at the fall out (in terms of our hearts, our friends, family and in the worst cases children), wondering how the person who was once our closest ally in life became our worst enemy.

We take this experience and internalise it, becoming bitter, creating ideas and beliefs about an entire sex and relationships based on our experiences with one or two people.  It changes us, and more often than not it’s not for the better.

So the concept of conscious uncoupling is about choosing to deliberately and intentionally disentangle yourself emotionally from another person, doing it with consciousness and awareness, with the desired outcome being to heal the emotional wounds, take the lessons and the learnings, and move forward having grown in a positive way from the experience.

It’s about moving forward cleanly rather than taking the baggage from one relationship and dumping it on the next.  It’s about making conscious choices that support the life you want to create for yourself, rather than emotional reactions that will simply leave you with consequences.

Is it all sunshine and roses? No.

Is it painful? Yes.

Does it negate the experience of separating or the time spent together? Definitely not.

It’s about learning from the experiences you’ve had and understanding how you can move forward in the best way possible for everyone involved.

As a woman who has spent the vast majority of her life learning about relationships the hard way, and taking the long (often very painful way around) to get to the obvious conclusion, I wish I’d learned about conscious uncoupling a long time ago.

Whether you do it together, or whether you do it alone, conscious uncoupling can be the key to releasing the bitterness and regret from your past relationships and to healing from the experience.

Maybe if more people gave it a try it could reduce some of the pain of divorce and separation, and some of the emotional impact on both the people involved and any children they have?

So conscious uncoupling gets a big ‘thumbs up’ in my book…but what I’m more interested in is ‘conscious coupling’.

You see, it’s not just at the end of our relationships that we can be a slave to our emotions.  Quite often when we meet someone for the first time, we can get swept away with the moment, caught up in the rush of attraction, blinded by chemistry.

Now chemistry is great, as long as it’s built on a solid foundation.

The challenge that many people have is that they aren’t being conscious when they’re dating.

They go out into the world of dating without any real awareness of what they really want, not just in their ideal person but also in the kind of relationship that they’re looking for.

They go out, they meet someone, they feel the zing of chemistry pumping through their veins and before they know it, they’re in a relationship.

Some of these people don’t even want a relationship, but sure enough they wake up one day with the label ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ and wonder what on earth happened!

So what makes for a solid foundation in relationships?  At it’s simplest level it’s about having similar values, beliefs and desires for life.  It doesn’t tend to matter too much what the values, beliefs and desires for life are, as long as they can happily co-exist.

So for example, if one of your highest values is ‘honesty’ but you end up in a relationship with someone who lies all the time because they don’t value honesty in the same way, the chances are it’s not going to make for a happy ending.

Likewise if all you want is 2.4 children and a picket fence, and you’re dating someone who is interested in adventure, experience and sharing that experience with as many ‘special someones’ as possible, it’s probably not going to lead to a happy marriage.

So conscious coupling is about being conscious about whether you want a relationship, what are the important values for your ideal partner to have and what kind of relationship are you looking for?  Are you just interested in something casual?  Do you want a long-term partnership? Do you want marriage, kids, the whole enchilada?!  Which values are most important to you?

Because ultimately the best way to create a great relationship is when you get two people, who have similar values, beliefs and desires, who are interested in a similar kind of relationship and who are genuinely attracted to each other.

So how do you do that?

  1. Get really clear on what you want, both in a partner and in a relationship
  2. Consider who you need to be in order to both attract that kind of partner and create that kind of relationship
  3. Do not compromise your highest values for ANYTHING in a relationship.  It might work for the short term, but it is likely to cost you in the long run.

The challenge that a lot of people face is that they aren’t aware of what they really want, because they’ve either never thought about it (or don’t believe it’s possible) and when they go out dating they don’t consciously choose people who are a good fit for them (and avoid those that aren’t!)

…and more often than not it can be months or years before they realise and consciously acknowledge that a fundamental incompatibility exists between them and it can make for a difficult and often messy separation.

Now taking the conscious coupling approach is no guarantee that things will work out, but it definitely gives you a better chance than unconsciously coupling.

Maybe if we practiced more ‘conscious coupling’ then there wouldn’t be so much ‘conscious uncoupling’ required.

I’d love to hear from you now.  What are your experiences of conscious uncoupling?  What do you think about the idea of conscious coupling and being more conscious of the choices we make when looking for love?  What questions do you have about conscious uncoupling and conscious coupling.  Leave your questions and comments below…

…and if you liked this article, please share it using the buttons below!

Finally, if you’d like some free tips and advice on how to improve your relationship situation, pop over here now and check out our free video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship”

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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LPPTV Episode 7 - How Do You Know When You're Ready To Move On? - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

LPPTV Episode 7 – How Do You Know When You’re Ready To Move On?

LPPTV Episode 7 - How Do You Know When You're Ready To Move On? - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and PassionWhenever you come out of a long term relationship, whether it was your choice or not, it can take some time to get to the point where you’re ready to date again.

We can go through the process as if we’re grieving, because we’ve ‘lost’ something.  Either something that we had, or the potential of what the relationship could have been.

It can take time, space and some deep reflection to process the emotions and the experiences to get yourself to a point where you’re ready to begin dating and considering a new relationship.

Unfortunately though, there’s no indicator light that comes on when you’re ready.  There’s no bell that sounds to say ‘That’s it! You’re done, you’ve healed enough and you can begin seeing people again’…so it can be hard to know when the time is right for you.

Having worked with single people I know that many people begin dating again before they’re ready, mainly because they don’t know how to tell.

So today I answer the question sent to me by Steph after she saw a previous episode of LPPTV, “LOVE this Claire Brummell! I think this is particularly the case after divorce I am starting to think, but energetically you need to be truly and fully apart from someone in order to make space for the new. I would love it if you could do a video on when you know you are ready to move on? THANK YOU!”

Tweet the Love… When To Move On? When You’ve Let Go Of The Past, Connected To the Present and Feel Ready For Your Future @LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

What has your experience of this been? Have you moved on before you were ready and had challenges as a result of it?  What are your answers to these questions? Have you been able to get to a point where you could answer yes to all of the questions, and how has that changed your dating experience? Would you like to know how to move forward in one or more of the areas? What are the challenges you’re facing with this?

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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LPPTV Episode 5 - Why Is Rejection Awesome? - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

LPPTV Episode 5 – Why Is Rejection Awesome?

LPPTV Episode 5 - Why Is Rejection Awesome? - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and PassionWhen working with men and women around the world the one fear that comes up time and time and time again is ‘rejection’.

Everyone seems to be afraid of rejection.

In fact, most people are downright terrified of it.

People will do almost anything to avoid rejection: Twist themselves into a pretzel to be the person they think someone else will want, hide the ‘real them’ in case the other person doesn’t appreciate them…even avoid relationships completely!

Now these might seem like extreme tactics, but in my experience most people have done at least one of these things at some point in their lives.

All because they didn’t want to be rejected.

But I think that rejection has had a bad rap.  In fact, I think rejection could become your best friend and ally in the world of dating and relationships.

I’d even go so far as to say that rejection can be AWESOME.

Have I lost my marbles?

You’ll have to watch the video to find out…

Tweet the Love… Celebrate The Wrong Person Walking Away, They’re Making Space For The Right One @LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

What has your experience of this been?  Have you been rejected by someone, only to find someone later who seems so much more right for you?  Have you been distraught at the end of a relationship, only to realise later that actually it’s been the best thing to happen to you?  Are you grateful that someone has rejected you in the past, because it helped you find the person you were meant to be with?  Are you currently struggling with rejection, and do you have any questions about how to deal with it? What are the challenges you’ve faced with rejection?

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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Broken Heart

Does a broken heart ever mend, or do we just end up living with the scars of heartbreak?

Broken HeartI recently had a Love Polarity & Passion reader reach out to me for help because they’re currently going through a difficult heartbreak.

Unfortunately most of us will have experienced this at some point in our lives.

That agonising pain that comes with the end of a relationship, when it feels like you’re the only person in the whole world feeling like your heart has been torn in two.

The desire to eat every comfort food consumable to try and feel the empty hole in your heart.

Wanting to forget.

Wanting to remember.

Wanting to talk.

Wanting to not have to talk.

Feeling like your whole world is crumbling around you.

Not wanting to be alone and yet not knowing how to be around others.

Wondering if the pain will ever subside.

Thinking that you will never be the same again.

Feeling like you’ll never want to put yourself out there again, because you don’t feel like you could take going through this again.

That awful time when just remembering to keep breathing in and out feels like an effort.

I know, from personal experience, the pain of heartbreak

Heartbreak and I are old friends…we’ve spent many a day and sleepless night together.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Every time I’m in it I always say the same thing “I just wish it was 6 months from now”.

Why?

Because I know I’ll get through it, I always do. But I also know that in order to get through it I need to be in it. I need to feel it. I need to feel it all.

…and that isn’t easy, in fact it’s one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to deal with.

So when someone reaches out asking for help with heartbreak, my heart goes out to them. Because I know where they are. I’ve been there, many times.

So when I saw a question “Does a broken heart ever mend, or do we just end up living with the scars?”…and I felt moved to respond to it in a very personal way.

…and today I want to share that response with you, because I know from the messages and comments I receive that it might be relevant to you too.

So, my personal story of heartbreak…

My sister has been what most people would consider very “lucky in love”. Her first long-term boyfriend turned out to be the man who she fell in love with, married and now very happily has a little boy with.

Her husband is wonderful and I’m so pleased that they found each other and have created their lovely life together. As a result, she’s been ‘lucky’ enough to never have really experienced ‘heartbreak’ as you and I might know it.

On the other hand as you may know from my previous articles and videos, I have experienced many heartbreaks during my lifetime.

There is a part of me that at times in my life has been slightly envious of my sister’s experience. Because she never experienced heartbreak, she in some ways kept the innocence and naivety that comes with first love. She never had that part of her life ‘tainted’ in any way by a negative experience. Being that she’s my sister, I am grateful that she’s never been through this.

However, as much as I wouldn’t wish the heartbreaks that I’ve been through on anyone, much less my sister, I know that because of the experiences I’ve had my life, I am a changed person…and every one of those changes in me has been for the better (in the long term).

My life has been richer for walking the path I have, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have grown in ways I know I wouldn’t have without those experiences. Each one has tested my emotional resilience in ways I couldn’t have imagined…and yet each one has brought with it such a gift of growth and personal learning too. It has made me the woman I am today. I have a depth of compassion, of self-knowing, of emotional experience, of love as a result of it.

I appreciate love in a way I wouldn’t have done, had I not lost it at times along the way.

My heart has been changed for those experiences.

Some might say that it’s been scarred by them…but as with scar tissue in the body…those parts of my heart are actually stronger for it.

Remembering those ‘scars’, the heartbreaks, the experiences I’ve gone through, the pain I’ve felt, helps me to continue to choose every day the woman I want to be. It’s helped me learn what I want for my life, what I will and won’t accept (both for me and by me), and it helps me to be the best woman I can be for myself and the man in my life every day.

As a result of these moments in my life I don’t take love or life for granted, which sometimes people who haven’t experienced them can.

My experience is that in time (with a compassionate approach of truly processing the emotion and the experience), the pain subsides, the wounds heal, the lessons are learned and we move on into our next chapter forever changed.

That change can be our greatest gift if we allow it to be.

Heartbreak has been a real gift to me

…and this is why I describe heartbreak and I as old friends, because that’s what we are. Though our relationship has never been easy, it’s brought me more than I could have ever imagined.

Without the heartbreaks in my life, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today, doing the work I do, helping people around the world to create deep, mutually fulfilling relationships.

But most importantly I don’t believe I would have had the experience that I personally needed to be able to create the level of connection, communication and compassion that I have in my two most important current relationships – the one with myself, and the one with my partner.

I wouldn’t change any of the heartbreaks I’ve experienced in my life for anything.

Although I experienced terrible pain through every single one of them…I am truly grateful from the bottom of my heart for each one of them and the gifts that I eventually allowed them to bring me.

In Japan there is a practice called “Kintsukuroi” which means “to repair with gold”. It is the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver laquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken.

So I invite you to repair any ‘cracks’ you may feel as a result of your heartbreak with gold, or silver, or another gift that is valuable to you, and begin to see the beauty in them too.

Now I’d love to hear from you. What have your experiences of heartbreak been? Have you ever found that heartbreak could be a gift? Has a painful breakup ever turned out to be a blessing in disguise? I’d love to hear your experiences and questions in the comments below – as always if you’re thinking it I guarantee someone reading could benefit from hearing from your experience or the courage to ask the question that’s on your mind.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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