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LPPTV Episode 15 - Should I Listen To Other People About My Relationship - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

Should I Listen To Other People About My Relationship?

LPPTV Episode 15 - Should I Listen To Other People About My Relationship - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and PassionWe all have people in our lives who care about us, and they want the best for us.

When we’re having challenges in our relationship it can be helpful to get some outside opinions and advice to help guide us through it.

But what happens if the advice doesn’t quite match up with what we wanted to hear?

…or if our friends and family decide to start sharing their opinion when we’d rather they kept them to themselves and let us figure it out on our own?

Should we listen to the advice of others when it comes to our relationship, or should we go it alone?

I know that there have been times when people have shared with me when I really wish they’d kept their thoughts to themselves, likewise there were times when I wanted advice when people didn’t tell me what they thought.

So I was really pleased when someone sent in this question to Love Polarity & Passion:  My parents say they doubt about if he’s the right man for me, do I need to listen and is it their place to voice their opinion to me?

So should you listen to others about your relationship?  Watch the video now to find out:

Tweet the Love… The Only Opinion That Matters When It Comes To Your Relationship Is Yours @LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

Have you ever had unwelcome advice or opinions from other people about your relationship? Or have you been on the other side where you really want to tell someone how you feel about their relationship but didn’t know how? How do you feel now you’ve watched the video?  Have you set boundaries with parents, friends or colleagues as to what is and isn’t OK for them to share?  Would you like to know more about setting boundaries? Has the video brought up any questions?

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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LPPTV Episode 14 - How Can I Be Less Needy In Relationships - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

How Can I Be Less Needy In Relationships?

LPPTV Episode 14 - How Can I Be Less Needy In Relationships - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and PassionWe’re all aware that neediness is not generally a very attractive quality in relationships.

At some point in our lives we’ve all experienced neediness.

We’ve either been with someone who felt insatiable when it came to their needs, it didn’t matter how much we did or how much we gave it didn’t seem enough.

Or we’ve been the person who was desperate to get or feel something from someone else, but they never seemed able to give it to us.

I’ve been on both sides of this equation at various points in my life, and there’s no perspective from which this feels good.

Either you feel that you can’t do anything to make your partner happy, or you want to feel something that never seems to appear.

So what is it that makes someone ‘needy’ in a relationship, and how can you be less needy when it comes to relationships?

So today I’m answering a question from Swets: “How can I be a less needy female?

Well the reality is that neediness shows up in men AND women, and the answer applies to both of them.

So how can you be less needing in relationships?  Watch the video now to find out:

Tweet the Love… In Order To Be Less Needy, Learn How To Meet Your Own Needs @LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

Have you felt needy in relationships at times?  How do you feel about it now you’ve watched the video?  Have you been with someone who felt very needy?  How did it feel to be with someone who felt needy?  Have you tried what I suggested in the video? How did it change things? Has the video brought up any questions?

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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LPPTV Episode 13 - Have You Given Up Your Passions For The Person You're Passionate About - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

Have You Given Up Your Passions For The Person You’re Passionate About?

LPPTV Episode 13 - Have You Given Up Your Passions For The Person You're Passionate About - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

We all know that passion in a relationship is important.

We want that spark that turns into a flame, which turns into fireworks.

When we begin seeing someone new, it’s easy for our passion for them to take over our lives a little bit.  We want to spend every moment with them, we want to enjoy all the time we can because the feeling they inspire us feels so great.

The challenge with this is that in doing so, we can sometimes lose sight of our own passions.

We can be so focused on our passion for the other person, and for the relationship, that our individual passions can take a back seat.

I know, I’ve done this many times in the past.

So the question is, is being passionate about your partner enough?

So today I’m answering the first part of a question from Jim: In relationships, how important is it to be passionate about something in your life (and not the other person in life)? I am/was in a relationship (I am trying to salvage it by doing some self-discovering) and would always find time for them, to be together, mostly helping her. She’s a driven entrepreneur that enjoys her alone time. She is passionate about flying, and a few other things, and she asks me my passions, and I reply, I don’t know. Now, I do have plenty of passions, (hiking, golf, fishing, flying,) and plenty of things on my bucket list (driving a race car, surfing,…), but I’ve just never acted on them. I’ve always put the other person first or my family first, sacrificing my needs (buying a boat for fishing or skiing, going on fishing trips alone, etc). Now I’m divorced and trying to have another relationship, but have stumbled on this “what am I passionate about” question.”

Do you need to have your own passions in a relationship?  Watch the video now to find out:

Tweet the Love… How You Treat Yourself Is How You Are Inviting Others To Treat You, You Set The Standards@LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

Have you ever found yourself putting your needs, interests and passions second for the sake of your partner and your relationship? How did that work out? How has keeping your passions alive affected your relationship? Has your partner shared that they want you to maintain your own passions? Maybe you don’t know what your passions are and how to discover them? Has the video brought up any questions?

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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LPPTV Episode 12 - How Can You Get Comfortable Talking To Attractive People - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

How Can You Get Comfortable With Talking To Attractive People?

LPPTV Episode 12 - How Can You Get Comfortable Talking To Attractive People - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and PassionWe’ve all been there.

You see someone across a room who’s really attractive, but the very thought of going up to them and starting a conversation leaves your mouth dry, your palms sweaty and your heart feeling like it’s about to leap out of your chest.

I don’t know about you, but this was something I experienced over and over and over again when I was dating.

Every time I found someone attractive I became a babbling mess around them.  I wasn’t known for my shyness, but if I saw a man I liked, my nerves took over.

In fact, when I saw someone who I thought was attractive, I’d go out of my way to avoid them because the thought of talking to them made me so nervous!

So when I saw this question posed in a Facebook group that I’m a resident relationship expert for, I realised how important it was to share how I’d overcome this challenge, and how I get my clients to do the same: WHY is it sometimes HARDER to talk with very ATTRACTIVE people… WHY does self doubt or shyness kick in and how the heck does one combat this in order to become a Master Communicator that “can talk to anyone about anything”?

How can you get comfortable with talking to attractive people?  Watch the video now to find out:

Tweet the Love… When You Start Talking To Everyone, You Can Then Talk To Anyone @LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

Have you ever found it difficult to talk to someone because you saw them as attractive? Have you had any stories to share where your nerves took over and got in the way of connecting with someone you liked? I’d love for you to try out the exercise I share in the video and share your experiences in the comments section. Or maybe when you give it a go you’ll have some questions to share.

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

…and if you’d like to watch the previous episodes of LPPTV about rejection that I mention in the video, you can find them here: Why is rejection awesome? & What does rejection really mean?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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LPPTV Episode 11 - How To Compromise Without Compromising Yourself - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

How Do You Compromise In Relationships Without Compromising Yourself?

LPPTV Episode 11 - How To Compromise Without Compromising Yourself - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and PassionWhen the topic of conflict in relationships comes up, the other ‘C’ word is often not far behind.

Compromise.

The challenge with compromise is that it often brings with it a feeling of needing to ‘give something up’, losing something, or compromising who we are and it can often leave us feeling a bit resentful.

When you look at some of the dictionary definitions associated with compromise, it’s no surprise that we can feel that way when we’re looking at “the expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.”

Standards that are lower than desirable, hmm, I wonder why we’re not so keen on taking that path?!

So what happens when we have a difference of opinion, we want different things, or our needs conflict?  How do we navigate through that without feeling like we’re losing out?

The question is, “How Do You Compromise Without Compromising Yourself?”

Tweet the Love… When You Know Your Individual Ideals, You Can Find What’s Ideal For The Relationship @LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

Have you felt resentful in the past when ‘needing to compromise’? Have you felt that you’ve compromised yourself? What situations have you felt that you ‘should’ compromise in? How would this approach change your feeling about compromising? What do you think about this new approach to challenging situations? Would this help you deal with future situations of this nature? Have you ever tried to do this and found challenges?  Have you any questions about this?

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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LPPTV Episode 10 - What Do You Do If A Guy Or Girl Suddenly Loses Interest? Part 2 - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

What’s The Second Thing You Do When Someone Suddenly Loses Interest?

LPPTV Episode 10 - What Do You Do If A Guy Or Girl Suddenly Loses Interest? Part 2 - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and PassionLast week I began to answer a question that I get asked all the time….what do you do if a guy or girl suddenly loses interest?

It happens all the time, things seem to be going really well and all of a sudden something changes, but you’ve no idea why.

I’ve already share the first step with you (if you haven’t seen it yet, before to check it out here BEFORE you watch the video below), and it’s so important that you begin with this first step before you do step 3 in today’s video.

It’s a bit like making a cake.

If you add the ingredients in the right order, you’ll get a nice cake that you can enjoy.

If, however, you put the cake in the oven before you’ve added the eggs and sugar, the chances are that it won’t give you the best cake possible.

It’s not that the ingredients aren’t right, but the sequence is important…and the same is true in relationships.  In this situation, you can do steps 1 and 2 in any order you like…but wait for step 3 until you’ve done them!

Want to know more?  Check out the second part of my answer to the question: “What do you do if a guy or girl suddenly loses interest?”

Tweet the Love… When You’ve Got Clarity From Them, Give Clarity Back @LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

What has your experience of this been? Have you had a new relationship go from ‘foot on the gas’ to being shoved into reverse? What do you think of steps 2 and 3? Would these help you deal with future situations like this? Have you ever tried to do this and found challenges?  Have you any questions about this?  

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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LPPTV Episode 9 - What Do You Do If A Guy Or Girl Suddenly Loses Interest? - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

What do You Do If A Guy Or Girl Suddenly Loses Interest?

LPPTV Episode 9 - What Do You Do If A Guy Or Girl Suddenly Loses Interest? - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and PassionThere’s nothing worse.

Things have been going really well.

You’ve been seeing someone for a while and all of the signs have been really great.  You’ve been seeing each other all the time, texting, calling they even brought up the topic of exclusivity.

But then it happens.

Nothing.

Nada.

Total Crickets.

All of a sudden the person who seemed really interest in you suddenly loses interest.

You don’t understand what’s happened and why – what’s changed?

Do you contact them?  Do you leave it?  Do you ‘take the hint?’

I hear from a lot of people who have been through or are going through exactly this situation, so when I got this week’s question through from Ola, I had to do an episode of LPPTV on it…

“What do you do if a guy or girl suddenly loses interest?”

Tweet the Love… When You Have a Concern In A Relationship, First Get Clarity @LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

What has your experience of this been? Have you had a new relationship go from ‘foot on the gas’ to being shoved into reverse?  Have you had someone who seems to have suddenly disappeared from the face of the earth? Have you been left wondering what to do?  Have you tried what I suggested in the video?  Did it help?  Have you any questions about this?  What do you think steps 2 and 3 will be?

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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What is the key to great relationships?

If Relationships Are The Key To Life, What Is The Key To Having Great Relationships?

What is the key to great relationships?Why do I say that relationship are the key to life? Well, it’s really simple.

Every single area of your life is affected by relationships, they play a part in every single aspect of our lives. We’ve got our intimate relationships with our partners, relationships with family, friends and people at work like our colleagues, managers, employees, clients, customers and suppliers. Even when there’s no one else around and we’re just having a little time for us our relationship with ourselves, the most important relationship we have and yet the one that so many people forget about, is still in play.

So learning how to have really great and fulfilling relationships makes life that much more easier and enjoyable.

So if relationships are the key to life, what is the key to having great relationships?

There are a few key things that are really important in relationships, but there’s one in particular that stands out from the rest and that is to have really great communication.

Why is communication so important? Communication is the foundation of any relationship, it’s what all relationships are built on. If you don’t communicate in any way shape or form, no relationship exists.

So being able to have really great communication is the key to being able to create really great communication is the key to having really fulfilling relationships, regardless of the area of life we’re talking about.

There are obviously other aspects that play into it as well, but the most important one is how we communicate. Everyone has slightly different styles, people use different language, or even more confusingly use the same words but have completely different meanings for them! They’ve got different approaches, some people are very flamboyant and extrovert, others are more introverted.

So being able to bridge these differences in styles and have really great communication means that we’re able to have really great relationships.

Now I tend to find that the simplest tools and techniques are often the most effective, because they’re the easiest to remember and they’re easy to apply. So I’d like to share something with you today that has completely transformed my communication in relationships and could make a huge difference to yours as well.

Today I’m going to share with you a technique called the ‘STAR’ communication model.

It’s really important when we’re relating and communicating with other people that the communication is a two-way thing. Quite often what happens when we’re communicating with other people we’re really enthusiastic about what we have to say so we go into ‘broadcast mode’ where we want to get over to them our thoughts, ideas or opinions more than listen to theirs. When this begins to happen, when they’re speaking we’re just waiting for our opportunity to jump in and share our next thought rather than really listening to what they’re saying to us.

Sometimes that kind of enthusiasm for what we’re speaking about can actually get in the way of the communication, because if each of us is just waiting for our turn to speak, we’re not really taking in what the other person is saying, and if we’re not hearing what the other person is saying then the communication isn’t going to be very effective.

So I’d like to invite you to try our the Star technique the next time you’re having a conversation with someone.

So what is the Star Technique? The Star technique has 5 steps to it, and was inspired by the dictionary definition of ‘A Star’ (someone who is brilliant) because if applied well this technique can make you brilliant at communication.

The Five Steps are:

A – Awareness – Be aware of the other person, the specific language they’re using, their emotional state, how they might be different you, be aware of your outcome before you begin communicating and keep your awareness on the fact that you want to communicate well with them.

S – Stop – When it’s your turn to speak in the conversation, take a moment and pause before responding. Taking a moment takes all the difference when it comes to great communication.
T – Think – Once you’ve stopped, take a moment to think, consider what the other person’s said: Have you understood it? Have you really heard them? Did you really listen to what they had to say? Think about their perspective: Is what you’re about to say considerate of their perspective / feelings? Also think about your outcome: What is the purpose of your communication? What are you trying to achieve? Are you trying to understand them better, or are you just interested in getting your point across? …and then think about how you can communicate what you have to say best, and that has the best chance of achieving your outcome. Would a question be better than a statement? Do you need to know more in order to really respond well to what they’ve said? What would help you to get nearer to your outcome?
A – Acknowledge – Acknowledge what it is that they’ve said, before you respond. Sometimes if we jump right in with sharing what we’ve got to say without stopping first to acknowledge that we’ve actually heard what the other person’s said, that we’ve understood their point and that we’ve really listened to what they’re trying to get across to us, they can feel like it’s a one-way communication and that we’re not really listening to them or interested in what they’ve got to say. So taking a moment to stop and acknowledge them before you reply can make all the difference.
R – Respond – Responding is very different to reacting. Responding is about considering what it is that we’re trying to get across, it’s about taking into consideration what it is that this person’s just said to me, what is it that I want to get across and what’s my outcome here. Do I want to say something that’s going to move us closer together, and that’s going to move the conversation forward, or am I in danger of saying something that might alienate them, that might move us further apart? Sometimes someone can say something to us that can trigger an emotional response. Reacting is about letting our emotions drive the communication, responding is about choosing how we reply having considered our emotions and our thoughts too.

When we use the Star technique, we have awareness, we stop, we think, we acknowledge before we respond, it means that when we do reply to the other person, the way we reply is likely to be more effective. It will mean that they’re more likely to feel heard, they are more likely to feel that it’s a two-way communication and it means that you can choose the response that serves you, the other person and the relationship best.

The great thing about Star communication is that it applies to any kind of relationship in any area of life, so you can practice it any time with anyone.

So now I’d like to hear from you. What are some of the challenges that you’ve had with communication? Do you think that the Star communication technique could help improve your communication with others? Do you think it could help improve your relationships? Have you tried the Star communication technique? What has your experience been with it? Leave your questions and comments below…

…and if you liked this article, please share it using the buttons below!

Finally, if you’d like some free tips and advice on how to improve your relationship situation, pop over here now and check out our free video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship”

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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LPPTV Episode 8 - What Does Rejection Really Mean? - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and Passion

LPPTV Episode 8 – What Does Rejection Really Mean?

LPPTV Episode 8 - What Does Rejection Really Mean? - Claire Brummell, The Relationist, Love Polarity and PassionThis week has been pretty interesting.  I was interviewed for a documentary called “Love in Your Pocket”, which is all about how technology is affecting our experience of dating.

I was asked a lot of questions and some really interesting topics came up, one of which seemed too important not to share via LPPTV.

I’ve spoken about rejection before here on LPPTV, but it’s such a hot topic in the world of dating I’m not surprised it’s come up again so soon.

I regularly speak to both men and women around the world, people who are single and in relationships, and the fear of rejection is an issue that comes up time and time again.

So in today’s episode, I answer the question “What does rejection really mean?”

Tweet the Love… The Number 1 Rule in Relationships, Choose Someone Who Chooses You @LovePPassion

Now I’d love to hear from you.

What has your experience of this been? Have you taken ‘rejection’ to heart and made it mean something about you, like I did? Has this alternative way of viewing ‘rejection’ shown you a different perspective on a past situation? Have you focused on your own sense of self-worth, and has it affected how you feel about someone walking away from you? What has improving your self-esteem done for you in relationships? Has this video brought up a question for you?

Or, ask me a question that you would like me to answer on a future episode of LPPTV, what is the one thing you’d like to know? What is the biggest challenge you’re facing in your relationship situation right now?

Please share with as much detail as you can because your insight and questions may provide a breakthrough for someone else and I guarantee if you’re thinking it, someone else is too and they could benefit from you having the courage to share your thoughts and questions.

Thank you in advance for having the courage to share and being kind and understanding in the comments.

…and if you haven’t already, be sure to get your hands on the FREE video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship” by clicking here now.

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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Holding Hands Conscious Coupling Conscious Uncoupling

Forget Conscious Uncoupling, How About We Try Conscious Coupling?

Holding Hands Conscious Coupling Conscious UncouplingWe’ve all heard about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s decision to go their own separate ways by ‘conscious uncoupling’ and the media backlash that it sparked.  I’ve read many articles dripping with disdain for the use of a term that is widely misunderstood.

Well unlike many people, the term was not new to me.  Having studied relationships with some of the top experts around the world, it’s a phrase that is very much a part of my vocabulary.

The question that many people have been asking is “What on earth is conscious uncoupling?”

If you look at the definitions of the word conscious, you begin to get some clues:  ‘Aware of and responding to one’s surroundings’, ‘deliberate and intentional’.

So often in relationships we end up as slaves to our emotions.  When someone hurts us, we don’t think, we just react.  Someone stands on our toes by mistake and we stomp on theirs because it hurts.  We don’t consider what’s happening or why, we behave like animals reacting to our base level instincts.

It’s part of the reason that a split after a long-term relationship can be such a gut-wrenching experience.  We feel hurt, we feel wronged, and our first instinct is to lash out at the person who we see as the source of the pain.

Our reaction hurts them, and they lash out in return.

…and so the chain reaction builds and grows leading to the inevitable conclusion of mutual annihilation.  Maybe not physically, but certainly emotionally.

We end up standing in the wreckage of our former relationship looking around us at the fall out (in terms of our hearts, our friends, family and in the worst cases children), wondering how the person who was once our closest ally in life became our worst enemy.

We take this experience and internalise it, becoming bitter, creating ideas and beliefs about an entire sex and relationships based on our experiences with one or two people.  It changes us, and more often than not it’s not for the better.

So the concept of conscious uncoupling is about choosing to deliberately and intentionally disentangle yourself emotionally from another person, doing it with consciousness and awareness, with the desired outcome being to heal the emotional wounds, take the lessons and the learnings, and move forward having grown in a positive way from the experience.

It’s about moving forward cleanly rather than taking the baggage from one relationship and dumping it on the next.  It’s about making conscious choices that support the life you want to create for yourself, rather than emotional reactions that will simply leave you with consequences.

Is it all sunshine and roses? No.

Is it painful? Yes.

Does it negate the experience of separating or the time spent together? Definitely not.

It’s about learning from the experiences you’ve had and understanding how you can move forward in the best way possible for everyone involved.

As a woman who has spent the vast majority of her life learning about relationships the hard way, and taking the long (often very painful way around) to get to the obvious conclusion, I wish I’d learned about conscious uncoupling a long time ago.

Whether you do it together, or whether you do it alone, conscious uncoupling can be the key to releasing the bitterness and regret from your past relationships and to healing from the experience.

Maybe if more people gave it a try it could reduce some of the pain of divorce and separation, and some of the emotional impact on both the people involved and any children they have?

So conscious uncoupling gets a big ‘thumbs up’ in my book…but what I’m more interested in is ‘conscious coupling’.

You see, it’s not just at the end of our relationships that we can be a slave to our emotions.  Quite often when we meet someone for the first time, we can get swept away with the moment, caught up in the rush of attraction, blinded by chemistry.

Now chemistry is great, as long as it’s built on a solid foundation.

The challenge that many people have is that they aren’t being conscious when they’re dating.

They go out into the world of dating without any real awareness of what they really want, not just in their ideal person but also in the kind of relationship that they’re looking for.

They go out, they meet someone, they feel the zing of chemistry pumping through their veins and before they know it, they’re in a relationship.

Some of these people don’t even want a relationship, but sure enough they wake up one day with the label ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ and wonder what on earth happened!

So what makes for a solid foundation in relationships?  At it’s simplest level it’s about having similar values, beliefs and desires for life.  It doesn’t tend to matter too much what the values, beliefs and desires for life are, as long as they can happily co-exist.

So for example, if one of your highest values is ‘honesty’ but you end up in a relationship with someone who lies all the time because they don’t value honesty in the same way, the chances are it’s not going to make for a happy ending.

Likewise if all you want is 2.4 children and a picket fence, and you’re dating someone who is interested in adventure, experience and sharing that experience with as many ‘special someones’ as possible, it’s probably not going to lead to a happy marriage.

So conscious coupling is about being conscious about whether you want a relationship, what are the important values for your ideal partner to have and what kind of relationship are you looking for?  Are you just interested in something casual?  Do you want a long-term partnership? Do you want marriage, kids, the whole enchilada?!  Which values are most important to you?

Because ultimately the best way to create a great relationship is when you get two people, who have similar values, beliefs and desires, who are interested in a similar kind of relationship and who are genuinely attracted to each other.

So how do you do that?

  1. Get really clear on what you want, both in a partner and in a relationship
  2. Consider who you need to be in order to both attract that kind of partner and create that kind of relationship
  3. Do not compromise your highest values for ANYTHING in a relationship.  It might work for the short term, but it is likely to cost you in the long run.

The challenge that a lot of people face is that they aren’t aware of what they really want, because they’ve either never thought about it (or don’t believe it’s possible) and when they go out dating they don’t consciously choose people who are a good fit for them (and avoid those that aren’t!)

…and more often than not it can be months or years before they realise and consciously acknowledge that a fundamental incompatibility exists between them and it can make for a difficult and often messy separation.

Now taking the conscious coupling approach is no guarantee that things will work out, but it definitely gives you a better chance than unconsciously coupling.

Maybe if we practiced more ‘conscious coupling’ then there wouldn’t be so much ‘conscious uncoupling’ required.

I’d love to hear from you now.  What are your experiences of conscious uncoupling?  What do you think about the idea of conscious coupling and being more conscious of the choices we make when looking for love?  What questions do you have about conscious uncoupling and conscious coupling.  Leave your questions and comments below…

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Finally, if you’d like some free tips and advice on how to improve your relationship situation, pop over here now and check out our free video series “The First Steps to Transforming Any Relationship”

Wishing You Love,

Claire x

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